Mood: Proud
Today is Wednesday, June 8, 2011. I’ve been looking forward to this day, and now I can finally say it: I’m winning! No, it’s not a Charlie Sheen reference… I just mean I’m actually getting closer to reaching a goal! (In fact, I doubled a goal: When I started the boot camp, I listed my weekly goal as 2.5 lbs! Woohoo!)
I know 5 pounds doesn’t sound like much, and it isn’t when you consider how much farther I have yet to go, but this is unlike any other 5 pounds I’ve ever lost.
Why? Because I worked for it with 100% of my being.
Remember when I said I’ve lost weight before? It isn’t the pounds I’m proud of this time, it’s the commitment. I’ve lost weight by exercising before, but I did the same exercise every day (walking), so eventually I got tired of it & stopped. The weight came back. I’ve also lost weight by using meal replacements & following meal plans before, but I was usually left hungry & couldn’t handle the emotional deprivation. Once again, the unhealthy habits won and the weight came back.
I know I’m only a week into this, and I’m destined to have setbacks & plateaus in the future, but this time feels different than any other time in my life I’ve tried improving my health. I’m more confident this time around, and I think I know why.
During the other times I’ve tried to lose weight, I was doing i
t mostly to satisfy the desires of other people (I’ll be talking about this in more detail in another post because of its importance to the development of my body-image). I did it for other people because I’m a textbook “people-pleaser”. I would rather say yes than no, so when these people told me I should lose weight, I did it more for their acceptance than for my health or happiness.
This time around every meaningful person in my life accepts me as I am. Nobody comments on what I eat or pinches my fat or gives me chubby-girl nicknames. Take for example my boyfriend. He likes my body. The things I’m insecure about he finds attractive. He appreciates the person I am behind the cellulite & sagging. The fact that my weight or size is not an issue to him unexpectedly lifted a really big burden from my shoulders. It lifted a lot of the disappointed that I was carrying around from other people’s issues with my body.
It helped me realize that my body is mine and mine alone. Regardless of what other people think about it, it’s my job to take care of it the way I see necessary. And the fact that I finally *want* to be healthy for myself, is so incredibly motivating, I could cry. No seriously, I’m getting a lump in my throat as I type this. :)
Anyway, that confidence gave me the freedom to start setting the goals I thought were important. The goals I decided would make me happier. My brain & body were always on board, but it was my heart that needed to join the party. Better late than never, right?
When my body gets tired, my mind jumps in and said “Hey! You can do it! We’re a team!” instead of “Oh, just sit there & maybe you’ll feel different tomorrow.” When my mind gets restless, my heart whispers “Please don’t let me down! I need you!” instead of “It’s ok, I’ll survive somehow.” And at 6am each morning when I arrive at boot camp, and neither my brain or heart is very happy that I’m still not in bed, my body says “Don’t worry, I’ll get this party started & you guys can catch up when you’re ready.” I can actually feel the interconnectedness between these 3 factors for the first time, and it feels really wonderful.
This picture I found today kind of sums up the interconnectedness idea pretty well…
Being that I finally get to decide what kind of body/life I want. Let me take this opportunit
y to get a few things out in the open:
1. I don’t want to be skinny. I love my curves.
I have plenty of beautiful, gorgeous, hot thin friends. They rock the skinny look, whereas I just look weird & sickly. I know attractiveness is relative, and my ideal body has a slightly big butt, toned/shapely legs, a trim waistline, & just enough boobage to suffocate a small mouse.
2. I don’t care about how much I weigh. I take pride in my strength.
I’m posting my weight here because it’s the easiest way to track my progress, but it’s really just an indicator of the progress I’m making in regards to body fat. My goal is to be somewhat toned, but also somewhat squishy. The average person my height is recommended to be between 100-120 lbs. I’d like to hover right around 130 if possible because you know what they say about a little extra cushion…
(Hi Mom!)
3. I’m never going to eat like a bird. I love food too much.
I used to say this to feel better about eating big portions, but now I say it in regards to the types of foods I’m eating. I choose to be carnivorous. But there’s a difference between stuffing my face with a cheesesteak once a week & enjoying a juicy porkchop once in a while. I desire flavor & texture & aroma in the foods I eat. I’m not necessarily going to eat those foods every day, but they’ll always be a part of my diet, just in less quantities & on fewer occasions than they have been up until this point. Besides, a life without cheesecake or Fettucine Alfredo is not worth living! I’ll either find out how to make healthier versions, or I’ll just eat much smaller portions when I absolutely need to indulge.
These are as much hopes as they are realisms. Good reminders of who I am & what I value despite all the changes I’m going through.
Well, there you have it. My first full week of taking good care of myself - mind, body, & spirit - and the results match the effort. Go me!
Thanks, as always, for reading & supporting me! <3
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