Six months, none the richer

 

Last I posted here was six months ago. Since then, I ended my almost-10-year relationship, moved back to San Francisco, and have taken on a new job title. Some aspects of these transitions have been painful and, at times, unbearable, but for the most part I have a sense of calm that my new direction is the right one. 

In my not-so-calm moments, I'm reminded of my habits of co-dependence. I find myself in the pit of depressed thinking, but lack the inner sense of trust and safety that brings me back to the "surface" and believing things will be okay. Luckily, or not by luck at all, I've received great comfort and reality-checking from good friends that show up when I let the world know how I'm feeling. I still haven't fully built the muscle of reaching out directly to one person or another to ask for comfort or reassurance. While I'm getting better at picking myself up off the floor in most cases, I would love to be able to simply call a friend and ask them to be there for me, with me, and help see me through my down days.

The difference between now and six months ago is that I realize the importance of calling on those that care, because I can no longer rely on my partner (now ex-partner) to notice and help dig me out of it. I have been working on not relying on him for years now, and I believe I have gotten better at just seeing myself through the glum, gloomy days of my chronic depression. However, some days I still require a little lift, and I'm so grateful to know that my people are ready and willing to provide. I do the same for them, of course, when they allow. It helps me cherish life to know my security, peace of mind, and sense of belonging isn't dependent on one person, but rather myself and those who love me. I'm grateful to know there are folks that have loved me and shown care all along, even before I sought out to become better at loving and being kinder to myself. 

There have been deep moments of joy in my newly single life. There have been moments of deep sadness, too, of course. Mostly, there has been a sense of resolve. I belong to myself fully, perhaps for the first time ever. I better understand the luxury and responsibility of self-reliance. I know now that accepting this responsibility has always been the task at hand.

I don't feel preoccupied with how things could or should be in a relationship. I'm not concerned with "where things are going" or "why it is this way or that way". I feel a sense of relief for both of us. We are maintaining friendship, for now. It feels so much better than the relationship ever did. Just acceptance. No animosity. Just a big breath of air to take the weight of the years of underlying discomfort off our shoulders. 

It's no accident that at the same time this separation from codependence is happening, so is my capacity for trusting myself in other areas, specifically in my profession. I'm more comfortable using my voice, living my values, and ever-imperfectly sharing my vision. 

I can sum it up by sharing something I wrote awhile back when explaining how I aim to stay diligent at avoiding self-sabotage and self-loathing and instead live a life that attracts stability and peace:

"You start by investing only what you can afford. And you invest (time, energy, feelings, etc.) in people who are also making honest choices about what they can afford to invest.

You don't expect perfection.
You listen as much as you can.
You share yourself.
You open up.
You stay tuned in to what you value, who you are, what you believe, and maintain your sense of self."

I read this to myself as often as I can, sometimes multiple times a day. This reminds me of the journey, the process, not only the outcome. It is a way of living honestly and imperfectly and doesn't depend on anyone or anything but that which is within my own control. It helps me stay accountable to myself for how I treat myself and others, and helps me recognize what qualities and standards I have for how others treat me.

I no longer resent the many years it's taken me to learn these things or put them into practice. I'm thankful I'm learning them at all. I'm proud of getting here. And prouder still to be able to share it here to look back and track the progress when I return to this space. 

Just the way I am

 There are things lurking in this blog that have been calling to me lately. Although I stopped posting for five years, the time away has been spent navigating other avenues of self-discovery and self-expression. These days, I am most vocal on Facebook & Instagram. However, I'm recently finding that my words once again are too much for the container of social media. So, I've decided to come back to the place where my little journey began. Back then, it started as a weight loss journey. Now, it's all about the gains. I've reclaimed so much of myself, it's almost silly. Even though the weight has fluctuated, the person I am is much more settled and confident in her body than she has ever been before. I'm grateful for the opportunity, in this midnight moment, to state just how expansive my life has become in the past couple of years. I have healed in many ways, and am remembering that the healing will still take its course throughout my life. Experience tells me as old wounds close, new ones will open. What shook me before, fills me with compassion now. There are new beliefs emerging around every corner. And mantras have replaced all those self-destructive thoughts & shame-filled beliefs:

I am loved.

I am loving.

I am lovable.

I am love.

In addition to the success I've had in clearing some of my emotional and cognitive clutter, I've also done a deep dive into other barriers to my best self. I've stopped giving so many fucks about what other people think of me. I still have people-pleasing tendencies, and I still aim to help others in my daily work and life, but I no longer live in servitude to others approval or validation. I just don't need it anymore. I like it, not gonna lie, but that part of me that craved to be seen and heard doesn't exist the way it did anymore. What helped diminish that part of me? Self-love. Self-acceptance. Radical compassion and forgiveness for the years and years of yearning and wasted time feeling disappointed and defeated. 

I give myself all the love, acceptance, and validation I need. Everyone else's support and praise is bonus, and there are days when it carries me through relapses in self-doubt. But I have not felt the sense of despair or hopelessness that plagued me for as long as I can remember. It is hard work, and there isn't a day that goes by that I'm not tempted to retreat to the safety of old habits and limiting beliefs, but the moment is so tiny, I barely notice it. Most days, if I'm being totally honest, I have the opposite view of myself. 

I now see myself as a beautiful, brave, and inspiring soul. There isn't a thing about me I don't have compassion for. Sure, there are things I'm working on, and things I'd like to change, but I know where I'm at is not wrong. I no longer believe there is something wrong with me. 

I am Connected, Healthy, Expressive, Creative, and Kind. 

I have a voracious appetite for learning, leading, and loving. My thirst for leaving this world better than I have known it is endless. I know I will do great things, and I know I am an exceptional human being. I have never said those words and meant it before. I have never let those words stay on the page before. It always felt too boastful or proud. It felt like it didn't belong. Like I had no right to say or even believe it. But I do belong. My voice matters. My experience is valued. I belong right where I am, just the way I am.