There are things lurking in this blog that have been calling to me lately. Although I stopped posting for five years, the time away has been spent navigating other avenues of self-discovery and self-expression. These days, I am most vocal on Facebook & Instagram. However, I'm recently finding that my words once again are too much for the container of social media. So, I've decided to come back to the place where my little journey began. Back then, it started as a weight loss journey. Now, it's all about the gains. I've reclaimed so much of myself, it's almost silly. Even though the weight has fluctuated, the person I am is much more settled and confident in her body than she has ever been before. I'm grateful for the opportunity, in this midnight moment, to state just how expansive my life has become in the past couple of years. I have healed in many ways, and am remembering that the healing will still take its course throughout my life. Experience tells me as old wounds close, new ones will open. What shook me before, fills me with compassion now. There are new beliefs emerging around every corner. And mantras have replaced all those self-destructive thoughts & shame-filled beliefs:
I am loved.
I am loving.
I am lovable.
I am love.
In addition to the success I've had in clearing some of my emotional and cognitive clutter, I've also done a deep dive into other barriers to my best self. I've stopped giving so many fucks about what other people think of me. I still have people-pleasing tendencies, and I still aim to help others in my daily work and life, but I no longer live in servitude to others approval or validation. I just don't need it anymore. I like it, not gonna lie, but that part of me that craved to be seen and heard doesn't exist the way it did anymore. What helped diminish that part of me? Self-love. Self-acceptance. Radical compassion and forgiveness for the years and years of yearning and wasted time feeling disappointed and defeated.
I give myself all the love, acceptance, and validation I need. Everyone else's support and praise is bonus, and there are days when it carries me through relapses in self-doubt. But I have not felt the sense of despair or hopelessness that plagued me for as long as I can remember. It is hard work, and there isn't a day that goes by that I'm not tempted to retreat to the safety of old habits and limiting beliefs, but the moment is so tiny, I barely notice it. Most days, if I'm being totally honest, I have the opposite view of myself.
I now see myself as a beautiful, brave, and inspiring soul. There isn't a thing about me I don't have compassion for. Sure, there are things I'm working on, and things I'd like to change, but I know where I'm at is not wrong. I no longer believe there is something wrong with me.
I am Connected, Healthy, Expressive, Creative, and Kind.
I have a voracious appetite for learning, leading, and loving. My thirst for leaving this world better than I have known it is endless. I know I will do great things, and I know I am an exceptional human being. I have never said those words and meant it before. I have never let those words stay on the page before. It always felt too boastful or proud. It felt like it didn't belong. Like I had no right to say or even believe it. But I do belong. My voice matters. My experience is valued. I belong right where I am, just the way I am.
