Today is Monday, August 22, 2011. I woke up a bit feeling frustrated. It could have been because a large cat was clumsily balancing on my head trying to peek through the window behind my bed before the sun was up. It could be the leftover emotional stress I've been carrying around due to recent woes with a loved one. It could even be that it's simply a Monday, and Mondays sometimes do that.
The first thing I thought about when the alarm struck at 7:00am was the goal I set for myself on Friday. I vowed to get back to my weekly workout routine. Still I hit the snooze button. It struck again at 7:10, and again I shut it up without sympathy. Finally, at 7:20, when it resurrected a third time, I gave up.
This is the conversation I had with myself:
"I need to walk today. Exercise. It's a new week. I can still squeeze a good 10-20 minutes around the neighborhood. GET. OUT. OF. BED. DAMMIT."
So, I got out of bed. But I didn't walk around the neighborhood. I didn't even walk around the block. I started getting ready for work. I took my time. I even did my makeup (which is more of a luxury than a necessity considering how rushed my mornings usually are). My heart just wasn't committed to tackling my weight loss goals today. I didn't even eat breakfast (BAD, I know).
But the good news is, I'm working on more important goals (for the time being). I'm taking one bigger step that I'd forgotten was a part of all this self-improvement. Time for myself. For peace of mind.
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| Photo by law_keven |
I guess the unintended result of all the attention I've been paying to my body is that I've been neglecting my mind/heart. I'm moving further away from a life I left behind -- it wasn't a terrible life, just an unhealthy one. And the more healthy my body becomes, the clearer the path to other aspects of me are becoming. I can see that I'm not as fulfilled as I used to be. I've been way too focused on eating right & looking better that I've forgotten to do things that enrich my spirit & make me feel good about the rest of myself, not just what I see in the mirror or on the scale.
Most importantly, I realized that I need to forgive myself for the neglect, and promise to maintain a level of self-care that should have been the first step in this whole process.
It took a wake-up call to figure this out. I was forced to spend some time alone this weekend, and I realized that I'd forgotten what it was like to do things because I wanted to, not because I was trying to entertain someone else or fulfill their needs.
I started on Saturday. I slept in. Did a little cleaning. Then went for a nice long hike, by myself. I stopped into a thrift shop, picked up some lunch, and went home for some relaxation, with myself. On Sunday, I took it easy most of the day, had a meal with good friends, then spent the night doing nice things, for myself.
It was actually really awesome to pay myself so much attention. I took a nice long bubble bath. I cleared my mind of as many frustrations, worries, disappointments, & fears as possible. I listened to the sound of my own breathing. I closed my eyes, put my head under water, and pretended I was floating in the ocean, far away from everything & everyone.
Then I started thinking about who I am. What do I stand for? What do I strive for? What do I need? What do I give?
To answer these questions, I created a map.
It's kind of a diagram of the answers to the above questions, and it serves to remind me that my physical health is not the only factor in my happiness -- something I already knew, but rarely took the time to assess. My map shows me who & what I need to supply myself with to feel balanced & whole (ex: family, friends, love, adventure, creativity, etc). There's a certain hierarchy to some of the components, but mostly I'm going to use it as a visual reminder of what to structure my life around. Instead of focusing solely on exercise & diet, I need to focus on social connectivity, intellectual stimulation, time for play, time for reflection, time for rest. Basically, time for me.
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| Photo by Widerbergs |
I can look at that piece of paper and check off each thing to find out what's missing at that particular time: "Am I spending enough time outdoors? How long has it been since I've seen that friend? Have I checked in with any of my family this week/month? Am I going out to have fun or to avoid being alone? Am I taking care of my responsibilities? Am I taking care of me?"
I may not blog about all of the components on my map, but I will definitely inject thoughts about it here & there. My reason for bringing it up today is to make it clear that I'm serious about all aspects of my health, and that includes mental & emotional health just as much as it includes physical health.
Maybe I'm getting too "deep" into my psyche. I don't care. Actually, the point is I *do* care. It's time I started caring about myself on all levels, not just the exterior.
For the record, I know my friends & family love me to no end, and they are great at showing it. But occasionally I need a reminder that it doesn't matter how other people treat me or what kind of affection I might be longing for, I need to start loving myself first & foremost, and taking care of my basic needs is and will always be my number one priority.
Hopefully someday I will have learned to balance this so that it's second nature & not something I need a chart to remember, but in the meantime, I'm loving learning about myself again. It's like clicking the refresh button & getting a second chance to show myself how much I care, but it's also a good time to remember how *not* to treat myself.
And that's why I feel centered.
Thanks, as always, for taking time to read & connect with me through this blog. I hope you have a great week & find something new about yourself to appreciate. <3
such a great reminder! can't wait to hang out next weekend!
ReplyDeleteSame here! Can't wait for you guys to see my little neighborhood & meet my extended family. Pray for good weather! :)
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