Day 281 - Out with the Old

Mood: Disappointed

Weight: 152 lbs


Today is Thursday, March 8, 2012. I've gained 2 pounds. I know exactly why: I haven't been exercising, I've skipped breakfast more often than not, & the things I've been eating are more for convenience & have very little nutritional value. I'm admitting to this because it's a sign that I'm falling back into old habits. This is not acceptable.


Not only have I fallen into the habit of not taking care of my body, I've fallen into the habit of not caring about my body.


The past few weeks I've been really distracted. I started looking for a new job. And just days ago, I gave my notice of resignation at my current job. Change is happening all around me. It's scary and unsettling. I think I've subconsciously found this time of great change to be an excuse to turn to what I'm comfortable with in other areas of my life. I've made food my comfort, and that disappoints me after all the hard work I put in initially. 


It's true that for the past few months I haven't been going at it as hard or as dedicated as I should. Even this blog has fallen off my priority list. When I come back to post, I'm ashamed at how misrepresented my reality has been. I'm embarrassed when I read my older posts and all my enthusiastic moments: "I'm motivated again! I'm going to get back on the wagon now! I'm committed to achieving my goals!" 


The voice of self-criticism speaks up again: "Yeah right, Michelle. You're a liar. A fraud. A failure."


I'm not going to let that voice get the best of me today. But I'm not going to proclaim that I'm determined to rise against it either. I'm just going to accept that I haven't been as healthy as I could be & ask myself why. That's what this blog is about, in large part, anyway. It's about finding the reasons for my habits. Healthy-living still isn't one of my habits, despite the fact that I've lost a bunch of weight. I still have the mind of a lazy, overweight child instead of that of a self-sufficient, confident adult. Unless I really take the time to find out why I am what I am, it will be difficult if not impossible to become something else.


Today I had a salad for lunch. It wasn't delicious, and it wasn't even low-calorie (560 cals with dressing). It tasted like obligation. I ate fast because I just wanted to get it over with. I didn't savor it. I didn't even like it. But I ate it all, and now I'm full, but I'm not satisfied. Why do I feel that food has to satisfy me emotionally instead of just nutritionally? 

Satisfaction, by definition:
The fulfillment or gratification of a desire, need, or appetite.

Pleasure or contentment derived from such gratification.

A source or means of gratification.

Compensation for injury or loss; reparation.

The opportunity to avenge a wrong; vindication.

Assurance beyond doubt or question; complete conviction.

Source: http://www.thefreedictionary.com/satisfaction

Am I seeking pleasure from food? If so, why? Am I attempting to use food to gratify something else? Some other loss or wrong-doing? Does it provide some kind of assurance or peace of mind I'm not getting from other means? If so, what can I do to obtain those feelings or fulfill those needs without relying on food?


The only true purpose of food is to provide nutrients to keep the body functioning. It's not supposed to solve my problems or bring me joy. So, why is good-tasting food such an exciting experience? And why do I feel ripped-off if I don't get that experience from food?


These are questions I need to start asking myself every time I eat, and even before I eat, when I'm making decisions about what to eat. Am I choosing this food because of the experience or because of the nutritional content? What's more alluring about a bowl of mac & cheese than a plate of veggies? Is it the temperature, the texture, the saltiness, the flavor? How can I recreate that experience with foods that are good for me instead of always getting it from the unhealthy ones?

I don't have all the answers yet, but hopefully by thinking about this more I can begin to identify some. 

In the meantime, here are some pictures of my weekend with my family. We had a BBQ for my Dad's birthday. Typically, we'd go out to a restaurant and order high-calorie, high-fat, tantalizingly delicious food as a "treat". Instead we grilled fresh veggies & meats on the BBQ and it was not only cheaper but also pretty good-tasting! I'm especially proud of the healthy snacks & appetizers we had instead of the usual chips & dips.

Appetizers & Finger Foods

(The garlic-stuffed olives were the best!)

Pasilla Peppers stuffed with cheese, chicken legs, & sausages.

Marinated steak & veggie kebabs.

This year, my Dad's "treat" was a healthy blood-sugar level. Both of my parents have Type 2 Diabetes, they both take insulin, and they both sleep with breathing machines. They know I want them to be around for as long as possible, and they know I love them regardless of their weight or eating habits, but I'm glad they both see for themselves the difference better food has on their health. Now I just have to remember to take my own advice! :)

Mom & Dad

Thanks for reading! If you have any suggestions or substitution ideas for how to make healthy foods resemble comfort foods, please post them in the comments or on my Facebook page! If you need some ideas to get you started, check out this article with 5 Comfort Food Swaps.

Day 251 - A New Day Has Begun

Mood: Invigorated

Weight: 150 lbs

Pant Size: 8/10


Today is Tuesday, February 7, 2012. I didn't sleep at all last night. Sleep is a key ingredient in my recipe to health success, yet it's something I'm sometimes able to go without & still function normally (sometimes even better than when I get some sleep). What's up with that?!

This is what I look like on absolutely zero sleep, at the tail end (4pm) of a very long & busy work day!

Although I'm not proud of the fact that I couldn't quiet my mind long enough to catch a few z's last night, I'm glad I at least used the time productively. For example, I got started watching another season of The Biggest Loser. I get a lot of my inspiration from watching the stories & struggles of those on similar journeys toward better health. As I mentioned in previous posts, the workouts & nutrition plans are fantastic elements to incorporate into a lifestyle change like this, but you have little chance of sticking to those healthy habits without the inner transformation & growth that comes with setting the goal & doing everything you can to reach it. My mind is the most powerful tool I have in accomplishing anything. Recipes & workout plans are awesome, but since my weight has remained steady for the past several months, I've realized that motivation can be my best friend or my worst enemy.


Even though I posted last week with 3 things I planned to do to get back to the grind, I fell short. I didn't walk 30 minutes a day. I didn't eat a healthy breakfast every morning. And I sure as hell didn't work out with anyone else, or even try to set something up with regard to exercise. The reason, again, was that I seemed to just like to hear myself talk. There was no motivation behind the words.


Today I  reclaimed my motivation.


After several hours of The Biggest Loser, I put on my workout gear & jogged 2 miles in 30 minutes. It wasn't much, but it was something. I just went around the neighborhood, while it was still dark out. Thin puddles of last night's rain lingering on sidewalks. Mostly quiet, with the occasional sound of a car traveling carefully into another day or the train swelling past in a noticeable rush. My destination: awaken the heart rate!


It felt great to get fresh air. I paid very close attention to my breathing & my pace to make sure not to wear myself out too soon. I probably looked like a snail to most people, but it felt like a reasonable speed considering I'm a bit out of practice & didn't want to overdo it. I can count the number of times I've worked out since the year began... It's less than I care to admit.


I even made breakfast (2 eggs, a glass of milk), before getting showered & ready for work. It might not seem like much to most people, but eating breakfast is something I am usually too lazy to do... and I usually pay for it later in the day! But all that matters each day IS today. And today I feel good about at least starting on a healthy note.


The day continues with a promise to get more "for-me" stuff done tonight. It's nice remembering what it feels like to put my needs before any other plans or anyone else's agenda. It's important, and having the willpower to follow through with it on a daily basis is the new challenge I'm faced with.


Forget my little lists of "things I'm going to do better"... My one & only matter of business is to FIND A REASON TO BE HEALTH-MOTIVATED EVERY SINGLE DAY. Motivated to do something, anything (even after I've reached my weight loss goals) so that I will find myself in a completely new & invigorating state of mind & body. Today is just the beginning...

My motivation for the week: Learn how to take what is rightfully mine. In this case, my health, ENERGY, & confidence! An idea I saw Bob Harper emphasize on a recent episode of The Biggest Loser. I wish he was my trainer/friend!!!

Milestone alert: I have gone from a size 16 to a size 8 pants size. I wish I would have kept a pair of my old pants to show the difference! It feels good to be in the single digits, but I'm still holding on to a couple of size 12 & 14 pants because I can't afford to buy a whole new wardrobe for work (the pants I did toss/donate were jeans & are cheaper & more fun to replace). I'm happy about the progress, & am trying to remind myself that numbers are meaningless if the attitude doesn't change with it! Time for confidence & dedication! I've done a lot, but I can always do more! 


Here's to never running out of ways to do more. Thanks for reading! <3

Day 243 - Picking Up The Pace

"When we die, no one remembers us for what we weighed. 

Our weight isn't etched into our headstones."

-- Stephanie Klein

Mood: Thankful

Weight: 150 lbs


Today is Monday, January 30, 2012. In the 7 weeks since my last post, not much has changed. Working out hasn't been a priority for me. I shouldn't make excuses, but I think the weather had something to do with it. I tend to be a homebody during cold months, and this winter was no exception. When I get home from work I would rather curl up in bed & watch a few episodes of Mad Men than put on my workout gear & go outside in the chilly temperatures (even though CA temps aren't terrible... it's difficult to tell myself that after a long, stressful day at the office).

Instead of blaming the weather or social obligations for my lack of motivation, I'm going to buck up & take responsibility for plainly forgetting to care about & for myself again. I haven't made myself a priority lately, and even though the consequences haven't been negative, they have been steadily weighing on my  mind.

I recognize my tendency to put time with others ahead of taking care of myself. My needs & goals have taken a back seat to these various distractions again, but today I'm re-committing myself to once again take better care of myself & reach the goals I set almost 8 months ago when I started on this journey.

One way I'm going to re-commit myself is to get back on a regular exercise routine. I will start by walking at least 30 minutes every day this week. If I can't drag myself out of bed in the morning, I'm going to set an alarm to remind me to get it done in the evening. I'll set a higher goal next week (maybe increase the duration of my walks, or combine jogging with walking for the same amount of time).

I'm also going to commit to one workout each week with at least one other person. Last week, I went for a run/workout with my neighbors. It was good to have the company. It pushes me to work harder & keep up the intensity level. It's also good for a little bit of distraction. Sometimes when I walk/run/workout by myself, I get bored/distracted/tired too quickly. But when I find myself in the position to keep up with others, I get a slight boost that entices me to go beyond my usual mental limitations. Maybe it's my need to impress others. Maybe I just don't want to be "the slow, out of shape one". Wherever the motivation comes from, it seems to have a good effect on my workouts. I was sore for 3 days after that one workout. 

Another healthy habit I'm going to reinstate is to eat a healthy breakfast every day. 

Even though I'm disappointed that I haven't been maintaining 100% of the healthy habits I learned early on in this project, I'm still maintaining my weight by remembering & practicing everything I learned about portion-control, listening to my body when it wants or doesn't want food, and taking time to enjoy the outdoors whenever possible. These 3 things have saved me from gaining any of the unwanted pounds back when my workouts stopped, but they won't be enough to help me reach my goal of losing another 25 lbs. 

So, onward I go. I need words of encouragement right now. I need to believe that I can & will accomplish my goals. I need reminders of why I wanted this for myself in the first place -- not just to lose weight, but to be a healthier, happier person inside & out. If you have a minute or two, please comment here or on my Facebook page. 

And thank you, as always, for being a part of this with me. <3

Day 194 - Top Ten Lists

Mood: Delighted

Weight: 150 lbs

Pant Size: 10/12


Today is Monday, December 12, 2011. Although my weight-loss progress is at a stand still, I'm overjoyed to announce that my brother & his wife have finally been matched with a child, a 6-month-old boy! It will still be another couple of weeks until I can meet him, but you better believe I'll be posting tons of pictures of him here.


In the meantime, here are some articles to keep you busy. I hope you like lists!


10 Worst Fast Food Meals


10 Worst Side Dishes


10 Guilty Restaurant Pleasures


10 Best Foods For Your Skin


10 Best Supermarket Lunches


10 Best Organic Cereals


10 Worst Healthy Foods


10 Cheat Foods Made Healthy


10 Food Label Lies


10 Dirtiest Foods

Day 173 - Level Up!

Mood: Hungry

Weight: 150 lbs


Body Fat: 40.1%

Pant Size: 10/12

Today is Monday, November 21, 2011. I'm halfway there! Yippeeeeeeee!

Day 162 - Progress is Progress

Mood: Restless

Weight: 155 lbs

Pant Size: 12

Today is Thursday, November 10, 2011. It's been 42 days since my last confession post. Good news: I've lost another 5 lbs. Even though my November 1st goal was 140, I'm not looking at it as being behind. This is not all about numbers, and I have to remember that.


The past month was a mess of emotions. After the sudden death of a friend (we weren't close, but it was still a very shocking & terrible loss to everyone who knew him) and the end of a nearly 2-year relationship, I didn't give a fuck about my health. In some very brief dark moments, I didn't give a fuck about my life. I don't like admitting that, but it was true. Luckily, deep down I really do value my life & realize I was just feeling sorry for myself. It's another one of those bad habits I need to break.


In addition to all of that, I spent only a few hours out of the entire month at home. I house-sat for some friends which added almost 2 hours to my daily commute, and started working 10-hour days. I'm actually glad/surprised I didn't lose more than 5 lbs because it would surely been due to all the stress. I tend to not eat at all when I'm going through negative emotions & busy schedules, but somehow I kept from slipping too far back. Even though I ate fast food & hardly exercised, I didn't do so in the same unhealthy quantities as before.


Clothes are still getting smaller. My body-confidence & self-esteem are still improving daily. I'm determined to get back on track working out & building my energy level back up. I'm committed to losing another 30 lbs before the end of the year. That's more than 4 lbs a week! Do you think I can do it?


Well, thanks for reading, & if you have a moment I could really use your encouragement to get through this slump.

p.s. I finally own a plant! It was a gift from the people I house-sat for... Also, a good reminder to look for something that makes you happy today. I hope you do and are as often as possible. <3

Day 120 - Weight loss doesn't require money

Mood: Strong

Today is Thursday, September 29, 2010. For the ways-to-workout-for-free ideas, scroll down to the bottom. For progress update on my health commitments, continue reading...

It's 4:44 am, and I'm not sleeping because I'm too excited. Well, ok, if I'm being completely honest I'm pretty sleepy, but the past few nights I've had wicked insomnia. My sleep schedule, plus a day off for fun at a Giants game, has put me slightly past the point of mini meltdown. I'm not particularly stressed out, but I have hit a bump in the road.

The past month (or two), I've been slacking majorly on the exercise portion of my routine. Actually, I let "being busy" become an excuse for not even establishing a routine. The first 6 weeks of my journey was hard in one aspect -- getting up at 5:30 every morning, busting my butt at boot camp sessions, counting calories, prepping meals, spending a lot of time thinking about food & my body, but easy in another aspect -- slept better, didn't feel guilty or unsure about what I was eating, had more energy, didn't stress over small things as much.

The only thing that hasn't suffered from this gradual slide off the wagon is my work.

I've managed to be very productive at work, which feels good. But I've also forgotten to take care of myself... some days I'm even so focused on a particular task that I forget to take a lunch break, or am so involved in proving myself to my boss that I stay late even when I don't have to, leaving me feeling a little extra tired when I get home. That's not to say that it hasn't been nice just hanging out, relaxing with my BFF over a glass of wine, enjoying the nice summer weather.

I do, however, need to mix it up again.

Luckily, there's always reality TV. WTF? Did she just say reality TV motivated her to get out of a lazy funk & start exercising again?! Yes. She totally did. :)

I've been watching The Biggest Loser for years. I think since the third season. My mom and I have sobbed during several touching episodes. We've laughed at how ridiculous some of the strategy players have been. We've seen ourselves in the guilt-ridden, unhappy faces on the screen that talk about how they long to feel good about themselves as much on the outside as on the inside. Because the ugly truth is that for some people, losing some of life's little victories can get a person down. For some it's a loss of a loved one, for some it's the loss of willpower when driving by the tantalizing smell of McD's (c'mon, you cannot tell me those fries don't smell good sometimes), and for ones like me, it's the loss of self-esteem from finding out you're not quite the person you thought you would be at this point in your life.

My good friend played a song for me the other day that really struck a chord in me. It was something along the lines of how disappointing it can be to not be the person you imagined you would be when you were younger. I remember being a little girl & thinking I would be a news reporter, or a writer for a teen magazine, or even a teacher. I had so many options & dreams & goals. And I made none of them come true. On good days, I'm really proud of what I have accomplished so far. So, I didn't become a news reporter. I don't have a house and two kids. But I had a lot of fun learning about broadcasting. I met a lot of great people while working in radio. I even made some lifelong friends who have given me some really amazing memories. I'm very proud of that. And I'm proud I enjoyed those moments.

On not so good days, I look back at the past and wonder what I could have become had I studied a little harder, dug a little deeper, or taken more chances on opportunities that came my way. Looking back on the past is one thing, but beating myself up about it is another. I realize now that part of the reason I'm overweight is because instead of the voice that pushes me to study harder, give more, dig deeper, in its place is a voice telling me I can't, I'm not the smartest, the prettiest, or even the most charming. That voice has been telling me that I'm mediocre, when it should be telling me I'm bound for excellence.

The big turning point for me when I started this whole process is that finally, somewhere deep within me, that voice started speaking up. The little girl from my past kicked in again and said, "Hey! I'm gonna be healthy when I grow up! I'm gonna get my life together, I'm going to make better decisions, take bigger risks, and feel better about myself. And it totally worked. Only two months into it, I got a promotion at work. Nearly four months has passed now, and I've dropped 22 pounds.

It's time to listen to the big, enthusiastic, hopeful little girl voice again & treat it like the strong woman it's becoming.

I can make a difference, not only in my own health, but in passing on what I'm learning to my parents/family, in being a source of motivation for my friends on similar journeys of self-discovery (remember, my failures are just as important as my successes because they lead me closer to finding the way that works for me), and by putting myself in the best possible position to live a fulfilled, meaningful life.

Ramon, on The Biggest Loser, said it best on this week's episode:
"I don't need to do this to look good, or to be the guy that gets all the chicks... I need to do this to live." To really live. That's all I want too. To enjoy as many moments as possible for as many days & years as I possibly can.

So, now that my tear-jerker, self-motivational speech is out of the way, how's about I clue you in on the title of this post. In my attempts to pull an all-nighter (which are working, by the way) I fired up Hulu.com & watched the most recent episode of The Biggest Loser. It fired me up seeing those determined & hard-working people in the gym, giving everything they've got, to prove that they are committed to changing their unhealthy habits.

Coincidentally, on Sunday I just so happened to pick up a FREE copy of The Biggest Loser's Yoga for Weight Loss DVD at my local library. At the risk of sounding like a commercial, I will say it's one of the most awesome things I've discovered yet. Not the DVD itself (even though it was a great workout!), but the idea of renting workout videos from the library. Did I mention it's FREE? All you need is a (free) library card! No expensive boot camps. No stinky gym locker rooms. It's one more way I can add variety to all the different methods of staying active & still be mindful of my limited budget.

Other workouts that are free or super cheap:
- Bike rides. If you have a bike, it's free. If not, you can find a decent one at a garage sale for fairly cheap. You get the awesome feeling of wind on your skin, a great lower-body workout, and a lot of core strength training as well. You can go at any pace, over any terrain, & as far as you want. My favorite time of day to go bike riding is about an hour before sunset. Right after work, before dinner. After the game on Sunday morning, before the game on Sunday night (for all you football fans!). Fun alone or with friends, with your honey or even with the kids. It's not just a good workout, it can also be really fun. An instant mood-booster in my book.

- Dancing. These days, you don't have to spend mucho dinero on cocktails at a club to work up a sweat while getting your groove on. As long as you have a radio & some floor space, you can have a good old-fashioned dance party for zero dollars. There are tons of free services on the web that allow you to create playlists (the "mix CD" of the new generation). We (my boyfriendguy and I) like Spotify, but there's also iTunes, 8tracks, blip.fm, and a myriad others. It can be as low-key as swaying to some slow & steady reggae beats, or as invigorating as shaking around to some high-intensity salsa. Just fit the music to your mood & get moving! Also, if you look really hard, you can find some free Zumba classes in your city. If you want to skip the uncomfortable heels (ladies), crowded dance floors, expensive mixed drinks (not to mention the extra calories), & the trouble finding a parking spot in the big city, you can still be the star of your own dance floor, in your PJs even, right at home with your favorite vinyl/CD/playlist. Tell me if that doesn't help you sleep with a smile on your face!

- Doing chores. A good soundtrack helps on this one too. The free versions of Last.fm & Spotify are also great for streaming hours of music based on a tag/keyword, artist, or genre. My suggestion is to put on whatever music gives you the most energy. For me, it's oldies. Old rock & motown are my favorite genres for feeling energetic yet focused. I listen to it while I'm washing dishes, or folding laundry, or swiffering my tiny kitchen. Bonus points if you scrub your shower/tub. I live like a hippie half the time & put off housework for as long as I can, but eventually it's nice to see that gleaming area of cleanliness & know that for every sparkle on the bathroom sink, you shed a few calories while singing along to "Love Shack".

A few other free or low-cost workout ideas: walking the dog (dog needs it, you need it, end of story), swimming at a friend's pool (if you don't have one, get one now), doing the humpty dumpty (giggity), hiking up a hill (another one of my favorites & self-explanatory), taking the stairs, playing catch (tennis balls are fairly cheap, as are baseballs), yardwork, running (I sometimes do laps on the track at a local high school), cleaning out the garage, hand-washing your car, and much more!

If you can think of any ideas I didn't list, please share them below in the comments section!

It's almost 6:15. The gym opens in 30 minutes. I think I better sneak in a workout before work. Otherwise I might just fall asleep & not wake up until noon! I hope I can stay awake at work! :)

Thanks, as always, for your support & encouragement. <3